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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Consider Yourself Warned

Does anybody out there have a Wii Fit? No? Does anybody out there have a passive aggressive in-law or co-worker who gives you backhanded compliments and publicly comments about your weight? Oh, then you have a Wii Fit.

The first time Wii insulted me was when I stood on it for less than five minutes. In less than five minutes it surmised that I had the body of a 39 year old. I also have the heart of the champion but Wii failed to see that. It's almost like Wii only looks at the outside.

When you do exercises with Wii and you don't ski very fast, it will say things like:

"Oh....looks like you didn't go as fast as last time." Oh really?! Is that because I went SO fast last time that there's no way I could have maintained such a speed? We'll never know. The Wii sure doesn't think so.

But the final blow...

Last night my roommate Emily decided to have a little Wii session. She hopped on the little box of self-esteem deflation and the following conversation ensued. Not even kidding.

Wii: "Have you seen Jelly lately?" (Jelly is my Wii name.)
Em: "Yes." (Picking between multiple choice 'yes' or 'no.')
Wii: "How does she look to you?" (HOW DO I LOOK?)
Wii: "a. slimmer, b. heavier, c. more toned, d. the same" (How dare you, Wii.)
Em: "The same." (The appropriate answer.)
Wii: "Change is so much more exciting, don't you think?" (Exciting?! Nice try. I will not be enticed to be active and care for my health by the likes of you.)

Hostile robot take-over! It's infiltrating my friends because I don't work out enough?! Who would've thought? Little machines that scold like people and talk behind your back? Consider yourself warned. If you buy one, you are not buying a work-out-help-out, you are buying a work-out-shamer. An "insidious creature," as Emily would say. But if you want an insidious creature in your house, that is not my business. Don't come crying to me when it tells you you could've done better. Maybe it's right. Maybe you could've. (See how the Wii has already pitted us against each other?!) Unbelievable.

9 comments:

Carly said...

This post killed me! I also have a Wii fit. Not only has it made me feel shamed more than once....it made my character look chubby. You know, a little plump around the middle and such. Lovely. Thanks for the laugh, Kel!

Kristen Nicole said...

My ribs are cracking. Apparently we don't have the same wii fit because the one I used said I was an excellent hula hooper...best it's seen in fact. Maybe you should take Jelly's suggestions to heart.

Chris and Hay said...

Kelly you crack me up! Just throw the thing out the window and eat some delicious chocolate! Miss you!

Dawney said...

It's posts like this that make me remember just how much I miss you here in Utah! :) I'm sorry your wii is not of the friendly nature, and hope that the two of you can work out your differences. ;)

Courtney said...

Okay, Kelly - I'm literally peeing my pants over here; you crack me up!! I love that a piece of machinery has become your new nemesis. But, hey, if you ever want to feel better about yourself - just let me have a go on Wii. It will probably ask me if I know how to move at all.

Candace Thomas said...

You make me laugh:) I love reading your posts because they are so random, but SO TRUE!

mastermind said...

Wii and I have a love-hate relationship. It gave my mii a nice tire around the middle but it did shave a few years off my actual age. ....Hm. I guess it DOES know my outside appearance. Blast.

The Cassity's said...

Oh my gosh, I didn't know it did that!

Jeff said...

Freaking hilarious!